so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
