At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
