Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
