I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
