you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
