brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
