I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
worst night to have a conscience
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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