three words: i give head
three words: not that well
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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