im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
