I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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