i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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