There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
So squirting runs in the family.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
