Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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