he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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