We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
