Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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