STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
