I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
