Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
