Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
one two three fourrrrnication!
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
