My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
