i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
