A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
