Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
