Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
