You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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