i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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