When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
