If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
