i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
