I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You pole danced in your parka.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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