He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
