You really coming over, don't trick.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
