fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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