Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
