Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
