Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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