i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
