youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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