I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Randomize
