saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
barbara walters just said penis...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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