a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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