Non-Jews are for practice
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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