shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
