i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
