He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
