I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
