1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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