i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
