I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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